The Random thaughts of Briana Reed

Keep a brave face, Don't let them see you hurt Push through That's what they say, but today I am feeling overwhelmed. I am tempted to give up. But if I give up, so will she. I can't let her fall, so I have to keep strong. Keep it together. You are the strong one, the one who has it together. I don't think I have it together anymore. I wm failing in all aspects of my life and I can't laugh about it. I could blame these emotions on my menstrual cycle, because as a woman I guess that's the only time I am allowes to feel overwhelmed. But I am overloaded on pressure and I am about crack, break and fall apart. I want to cry to someone, but I don't know who would understand. For the past few weeks I have wanted to cry atleast once every day. I guess when I try to keep everyone happy, I make no one happy because I haven't focused on me. I want to run, but what will that help. If anything it will make me seem weak and childish. Best thing to do is buckle down and weather the storm and keep repeating to myself that it will pass. But after repeating that so many times, I think the words are becoming empty.. I'm doing my best, but it doesn't seem to be good enough. I'm lost and no one see's. I want to scream but no one will hear. Best to push the emotions down again and paint the smile on...

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This morning I was awaken. It was as if something told me, Briana you need to wake up. I jumped out of bed with a terrible headache, took some medicine and laid back down. I was still awake, my eyes just wouldn't close.. I grabbed some head phones and put on one of my favorite albums. Turned up the music and laid there and listened to every song.. While I laid there listening to music and staring at the ceiling, all I did was think. I thought about all the good things in my life, all the bad, and the things I'm working on. And I came to a realization. As I am listening to each song I am getting stronger and more motivated to do the things that need to get and done a day face my day.. It's not like any of the songs on this album I'm listening to were really motivational. It's just that when I finally took some time turn off the world and turn up my music I finally had clear vision. I wasn't clouded under depression of unpaid bills and debt or the helplessness that I feel when I see people close to me struggle. I finally saw that my life is one quick adjustment from being everything that I want it to be. I am this close to realizing some personal goals and living some dreams. It was as if someone came to me and said "Girl, your gonna be ok". After wondering why this feeling of hope suddenly came over me and crying because I was for some reason I was suddenly overcome with so much joy. I realised that this morning it was God who woke me up put of my sleep and told me to put on music, and came into my head made me feel like finally, after so long of worrying and falling down and seeing others fall around me, that everything was going to be ok and I just need to wait a little longer. I just need to push that much further, I just need to have FAITH for a little while longer. I need keep my hope. Because my time is coming. And then it was him who told me that I just need to start writing about my feelings in this moment. I love to write and I have for most of my life, but this was one of my first times feeling such an urge to do so, without having any idea what I was writing about. I just needed to get it out. So today, I thank God once more for waking me up and giving me the overwhelming joy that I feel. So, if you are feeling low or hopeless this is my advice to you. Just hold on, for your time is soon coming. You don't have to believe in God to have faith, you just have to feel it and hold onto it. Go out into the world, face the day, and know that soon, maybe not today or tomorrow, but soon you will feel this joy and you will be ok.

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A letter to the man I love…

It has only been two years but I feel like I have known you my whole life. I have never met someone who makes me laugh as much as you do. We literally talk about nothing and laugh hysterically.  You know my worst secrets and embarrassments and I tell you everything. You are basically my own personal diary.
You tell me everything about you and we talk through everything and have extensive conversations about the future that we want for us. I actually see you as the man who I want to marry and the spend the rest of my life with some day.
You are my first true love and one that has come more naturally than anything that I have ever experienced.
You once told me that I was like “home” to you. You are my home. I feel that when I am away from you, I am basically passing the time until I get to see you again and tell you about my day. You are the first person I want to tell when something amazing happens, and you are the arms I want to run to when something bad has happened. And when things are bad, you are there without question, and you don’t judge me on why I am sad, be it miniscule or not. You just let me cry on your shoulder. And for this I love you even more.
I am writing you this letter because, as you have probably figured out, I express things more clearly when I am writing them down. I know that with all the changes I have been going through lately, I have been a little (or a lot) self involved, and I feel like I have not been paying you the attention that you deserve. Most recently you were excited to spend an entire week with me, and I did not respond with the excitement that I should have had, especially since I want to spend all the  time with you that I can. This reaction was purely because I was putting my personal issues and my families needs above yours and mine, and our relationship. You did not deserve this, especially since you have been going through a lot as well, and we both need to find and cherish the happy and genuine time that we get together between the bad ones. I am writing this letter as more of an apology for being so selfish and for doing this a lot more recently. This is not fare to you, especially since you are more than patient with me and are always putting my needs above any other issue. My reaction and my other actions lately have been heavy on my heart and I knew that if I didn’t apologize, it was going to start to weigh me down.
I love you more than anything in this world (besides my family..lol) and I should have never made you feel that way. You deserve the world, but unfortunately I cannot afford that.. lol But what I can give you is my heart , companionship, love, friendship, and trust and any other thing that I can offer. I know times have been tough lately, but I want to make sure that you know I am here for you in whatever you need. I Love you.. I love You…. I love you =)

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You tell me my words are sharp and cut so easily
So I dull there sharpness
Now you say my words are too soft and don't cut deep enough
Which do you prefer

I am not a puppet meant to do however you please
I am not a servant who will kneel to you for favor

I prefer to keep my words a secret, as they have now become to large and to sharp to meet your needs
They have become to mean, to real, to true.
I do not know how to control them any more.

For now they will stay locked away, as they cannot be tamed. Best stay away, or you will be maimed..

But as I keep them chained
They start to nibble at my brain
And work there way down to my heart and some how find there way to my faith
How shall I keep them hidden and not let them defeat me
I shall make the lock large and throw away the key
For if they are let lose
no one will be left..  but me...

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I met a guy. A guy who's different from every guy I have ever dated. He thinks I'm beautiful and makes me feel like I am. He laughs at the same stupid stuff that I laugh at. He likes that I'm weird and make stupid noises when a room is silent because I hate silence. I love that he is there for me when I need him and lately I have needed him a lot. I like that we talk and talk and can never run out of things to say to each other. When I am with him, I am the truest form of myself and so is he. I love that we have been comfortable around each other like this since the first date we went on. For the first time in my life I am in love and it feels great. I think about him all day and look forward to the weekends because I get to spend a couple days with him. Anytime I am stressed or feeling down I come to him and some how all my bad feelings are lifted off of me. He is the man that I prayed for God to send to me. Sometimes I feel like he is the Angel God sent me in order to get me through the tough times in my life. I tell him how I sometimes feel like I don't deserve all the love that he has shown and his reply is always that he wished he could give more. I Love Him.

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I have been in my first semi serious relationship, it has only been three months. But the relationship seems like we have more bad times than good. There were times when he tried to push me away by simply trying to disappear. I felt that was wrong. But since the beginning I have felt like I was mainly sticking in this relationship because I don't know who else is going to meet me and think that I am such a catch. The man that I am dating is going through very hard times and that's not the reason that I am breaking up with or why were just mutually falling apart. I feel that when I am around him I can't really be myself, I am a more contained quieter version of myself and the thing is we have been dating for three months so you think I would have had time to get a little closer and feel like myself. But I just have never had the chance or felt a connection on a level of friendship and love. I am not going to lie in a way, I did fall for him. The only thing is I don't know if I fell for him or I fell for the things that he would say to me. Now I'm in this relationship and I feel that I am going to break his heart and he is such a good person, I feel that he does not deserve this. What have I done? Why did i let myself get into this situation? I am sad that things are ending, but I am at a point that I feel that they must. He and I are total opposites and not in a good way we hardly ever agree on anything and I feel that the only reason he stayed with me was because he was afraid of hurting me and that's not a reason to stay with someone. You should feel like there is no other person in the world. But that is not the way this feels. The whole thing is tearing me up.

Why does this keep happening to me? Either I like a guy more than he likes me or he likes me more than I like him. Maybe I need to focus on me for a while and let things come in there own time. I guess I have to stop searching for a man and let the chips fall as they may. I am just so tired of being alone. I want that my brothers have, they both have found there possible soul mates and I cant seem to get a relationship to last longer than a couple months. Maybe there's something that I'm doing wrong or some point that I'm missing. I don't know maybe I should just let go of love for a while and start believing that things will happen when they are supposed to and not when I want them to. I'm just tired of waiting..

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