The Random thaughts of Briana Reed

As I sit here and listen to music, I think about all the things that are going wrong around me lately. Sometimes it seems that everything that can go wrong does and then there's the struggle with money. Plus the fact that for some reason I cant seem to find a job. These are just a few things that have been going wrong. This life sometimes just makes it hard for me to be an optimist. I try to preach to everyone that happiness is a choice, but sometimes I am almost brought to tears. But no one would ever know, because I dont want to burden anyone with my problems. I am realizing that music and this blog are my only salvation. 

• 
• 
• 
• 
• 

Ok, So I have alot on my mind lately. So if I start off talking about one thing and move to another without a nice transition or if it reads like I'm rambling, it's probably because I am. So here we go.

Let me start off with this question how long can one excuse be used before it becomes words flying out of someone's mouth. I don't feel that I should go into specifics about who hurt or disappointed me, but I will say that he has a slight idea of how disappointed I am, but has no clue of the severity of the situation.
       For most of my life I have been a very proud person, never letting anyone know how hurt I really am. But there has always been this one person who, to me, seems like he knows just the way to make me wanna break down, and make it unbearable for me to keep in the frustration. So after years of the frustration building and it overflowing inside me, I built up a wall between me and this person. always loving them but never letting them in to who I really am. Being cordial and polite and keeping conversations going, but never really opening up. Every time I would see this person, for me, it would be as if I was putting on a show, never to say anything that would make the audience uncomfortable. So for years there was always this wall, and I had swore to myself that I would never let this person get close enough again to hurt me.
          But a couple of months ago, it seemed that this person was changing. I actually started to believe that he was going to keep the promise that he made to me and others. This promise that he made was going to change not only mine but others life for the better, I thought. But in one fell swoop he did it again. He gave me the same excuse that I have been hearing for most of my life. I told myself that if this person hurt me again, I would be done and completely cut him out of my life, but this would be almost impossible because of the relationship wee have. So I can not cut him out of my life, but I can be hurt and disappointed.
          I have taught myself to let go of the past things that have hurt me. So I have tried to let go of this. But this pain that he has caused me is taking me longer to let go of than I thought it would. Plus the fact that he didn't just hurt me, he hurt someone very close to me as well, and we are still feeling the ramifications of his actions. I have tried my hardest to let it go and forget about it. I have tried to forgive him like I have before, but this is also taking me longer to do. I fell that he has finally broken our relationship to the point that it will not get better. I will probably forgive him in the future, but I don't think I will be able to for get this one.
           I am usually a happy person and optimistic, but I feel that this situation with this person is slowly starting to take a little of that away from me. I will fight as hard as I can so that this does not occur. I will mot loose myself.  I just wish that things were different. but sometimes life is gonna kick you in the but to get you prepared for something better....

• 
• 
• 
• 
• 

Ok, here we go. Some times I listen to people talk about all the experiences they have had since they got out of high school. Mostly people who graduated the same year I did, and sometimes it makes me feel like I haven't experienced enough in my life at this point. But the thing is I am only 20 years old.
Some people have done a lot of partying and experimenting (let your mind wonder), but the most I have done is go to college and get a job as an intern. I have never gotten drunk or tried weed. I have never felt the need to do those things. But lately I feel like my life is moving to slow. I know this is a surprise because I am so young, but I feel like I need to do more. But at the same time i look at my age and realize that I have so much time ahead of me. So I have so much time to do the things that I want to do. But is my life passing me by because I am not living at such a fast pace?
I don't think so, I feel that I am doing things at the pace I should be. Because I feel that since me and my family went through so many struggles when I was a child, I don't want to make the same mistakes my parents or relatives did. So, I am a little more cautious with the decisions I make and I keep all my personal struggles between me and one other person. I usually don't care for others opinions so I don't tell them much. I am ok with making the wrong decision from time to time. At least I made a decision, which is more than what I could say for most people my age. I don't like drama so I stay away from it. Some times I feel that I am a 30 year old trapped in a 20 year old's body. Its just that,when people put Y.O.L.O on there facebook status as they rave over the fact that they are going to the club or getting drunk or got drunk the night before. I feel that it is a little childish. But who am I to judge, sometimes I wish I could party like they do, just to let go of all the worry I have in my life.
I don't know, maybe I feel stagnet in my own life. Maybe I want more. Or maybe I'm waiting for the more in my life. I know people will say that "you cant wait for things to happen, you have to make them happen". But sometimes forcing something to happen can make the situation you get your self in to, the wrong situation. So I don't force things to happen, I let them happen as they should. If the things that happen to me in the future work out in my favor, then that's great. But if they don't, I cant say I wont be sad. I cant say I wont break down. But I can say, I wont stick around, when I know things are bad and, probably, wont get better. I will say that even if I do fall apart, I will push myself back up. Because I choose to never stay down for long. I also promise myself that I wont let any one take away my happiness. No matter, how hard they try, no man or woman is going to take away what makes me who I am.
I don't know if I will be able to keep these promises to myself, but I know I am going to try. I guess the point of all this is that my age has no meaning towards my maturity and I have no idea whats going to happen in my future. Whatever it is, I know that I will be able to deal..

• 
• 
• 
• 
•